It sincerely pains me to say this, but after that craptastic season finale, I am officially done with The
Walking Boring Dead. R.I.P., my formerly favorite show.
There was so much intolerable awfulness in the finale this past weekend, I don’t even know where my griping should begin!!! I mean, did they really have to devote all that time to Oldie McOldenstein (aka Hershel) and his stupid “friendly farmer” flashbacks? It left almost no time at all to really get into the actual, current story line, which is all that really matters to any true fan of the show. Who cares about the lame advice some old dead dude forced upon people in the past? Clearly it was all stupid, or he’d still be there with them, right?!! Good riddance to that brainless, Santa Claus-lookin’ loser!! I’m making this pic my new permanent wallpaper because it fills me with joy and happiness every time I see it!! Sorry, but #TeamHershelSucksDonkeyBalls.
Even if I were able to overlook that huge flaw in the episode, all the present day stuff turned out to be equally as boring!! (And it’s hard to be as boring as Herschel is, lemme tell ya!!) Like everyone else, all I really watch TWD for is to see some quality zombie gore. I was convinced the writers were going to try to make up for how unbearably slow this season’s been by throwing in some kickass carnage before the hiatus. Alas, the best they could do, apparently, was having Rick go all “Walker” on that super cool gangsta dude Daryl was hanging out with…WHAT A LETDOWN!!! First off, I’m NEVER going to buy Rick as a badass, and secondly, Joe (the guy he chowed down on), was just starting to become one of my favorite characters. I was looking forward to learning more about what made that perfect example of post-apocalyptic leadership tick, and then…BAM!!! Just like that, he’s gone. Thanks for nothing, Rick, you big dumb, worthless dummy!!!
And speaking of worthless dummies…WTF is up with Mrs. Dixon’s sudden wussification? Daryl used to be a total hardcore asskicker, but he somehow let Beth turn him into a crybaby sissy boy after, what, two episodes? Dude, I thought you were swinging a big ol’ pair o’Redneck Nards over there, but clearly I, like all the other (former) members of your fanbase, was mistaken. I was hoping against hope that you were going to realize you were headed down the wrong Grime-y path, and let Joe strengthen and guide you with his judicious ways. Alas, you deeply disappointed us, Daryl Dixon, and I know I speak on behalf of all your ex-fans when I say we will now be ECSTATIC if the rumors that you get killed off next season turn out to be true. Our mantra is no longer, “If Daryl Dies, We Riot”, but rather, “If Daryl Dies, We Party Like it’s the End of the World Up in this Bitch!!”
Whatever, you bellyachin’ namby-pamby. I “pfffffffffffft” heartily in your general direction!!! #GrowAPair
I don’t want to be overly critical here, so I will mention that there was one bright spot to the otherwise tedious finale, and that was Carl. I know I’ve been a little harsh on him in the past, but when he made his heartbreaking admission to Michonne that he felt he was a “monster” (after condemning Rick’s actions once again, but who can blame him?), you’d have to be an actual Walker (or possibly The Governor) not to be crying right along with him. You touched all of our hearts last night, Lil’ Sheriff, and I feel like I finally understand you now. You’re so young, yet so strong…I sincerely hope you are the last man standing once all the zombie dust clears, because the new world is going to need a brave, level-headed hero like you if there’s any chance humanity’s going to get past these dark times.
The other folks didn’t even do anything worth mentioning (aside from turning their noses up at the delicious BBQ they were so kindly offered….WHEN THEY WERE SUPPOSEDLY STARVING!!! ), so I’m just going to make it official and announce here and now that I am never wasting another moment of precious TV time on this gawdawful non-show. Good riddance, The Whining Dead. If there’s any justice in the world you’ll be cancelled before next season so no one has to be exposed to your toxic mediocrity any further.
APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love, love, love TWD and I CANNOT wait for next season!!! #Gotcha? #BestJokeEver!! #CarlStillSucks