Forgive me in advance, as this probably isn’t going to be the kind of post the majority of porn lovers and comic geeks want to see when they visit my page. However, all I’ve been doing for the past day or so is sitting alone in the dark avoiding everyone and everything, which probably isn’t super healthy of me. All I can do is sit here and cry and be angry at the world for not pausing itself when I’m hurting so much, but since that isn’t likely to happen any time soon, I figured posting here might be a good way to try to start feeling semi-normal again.
I try to be a very grateful person. I do my best to look at even the worst things that happen and find a way to be thankful for them in some way, even if all I can come up with is that I managed to get though something so trying…At the very least, you generally come away from whatever obstacles you face as a stronger person, which is always something to be grateful for, despite the pain you felt while you were actually going through it.
Right now I am grieving over the death of my grandmother. I realize that’s something people deal with all the time, so I feel severely selfish for letting it hit me so hard. But I’m finding it impossible not to…She was truly like a mother to me; she influenced my life so much. She was pretty old (I think she would’ve been 90 in October, but she NEVER let anyone know her real age, so I can’t be sure :)), and in poor health, so I can’t say her passing was unexpected. I thought I would be ready to handle the news when I got it, but I wasn’t. At all. She died Saturday and I really haven’t stopped crying since. All I can think of is how I’ll never get to hear her voice again (I can hear it so clearly in my head right now…I pray I never lose that), and how I’ll never get to give her any more hugs, or tell her how much I love and miss the crap out of her. I feel awful for living in LA when I could’ve been more close to her and seen her much more often. Now I will never see her again and that hurts so much…
This is one of the last pics taken of her with my grandfather. They just celebrated their 65th anniversary a few weeks ago, and never spent a day apart in all that time. They were beautiful togther.
I could never do justice to how utterly amazing and unique this woman was, but I’d like to at least share a few of the happy memories I’m grateful to have had with her. (Sorry…There will be bewbs a’plenty and other such goofiness in my next post, I’m sure. ;))
-THE COLLETON COUNTY LIBRARY.
She loved books and passed that trait along to me. We went to pick out books at this small local library with her every time I went to visit (as many as I wanted!! Craziness!! ;)), and she always made it always seem like the most exciting thing in the world. We especially liked to check out mysteries and ghost stories, which I loved immensely during the day, but was scared as heck of at night!! I often had problems sleeping at her house because of that. (Though my grandpa’s stuffed deer heads hanging on the walls probably didn’t help that cause, either. ;))
For some reason she LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED her some Willie Nelson. He has long hair (she loathed that on men) and smokes the good stuff (all drugs and alcohol were a big no-no), but for some reason she loved “My Willie” (as she lovingly called him). I’m listening to “To All the Girls I’ve loved Before” right now because I can picture her singing along with and swooning over him as she played it over and over again. Thanks for making her so happy with your music, Mr. Nelson.
-MY FIRST “BLAH”.
(Translation for the uninitiated: My first bra. :)) When I was about two my grandma changed in front of me and I thought her “blah” was so beautiful I begged her to get me one. Of course I didn’t understand what they were for then, so when she made me my own special one I thought it was just to be extra fancy, not because bras don’t usually come in toddler sizes (not the pretty, grown-up looking ones, anyway :)). I was sooo ecstatic when she gave it to me, but the glamourous look I desired wasn’t yet complete, so I also talked her into making me some falsies, too. (I wasn’t sure why I needed them; just that my blah didn’t look right ;)), and letting me have a pair of her old high heels (which were at least 3x’s bigger than my foot was). Well, with all three elements combined I just felt like I was the belle of the ball, and strutted around with my hand posed “seductively” on the back of my head and exaggeratedly swishing my hips from side to side when I walked. Somewhere there are pictures of this, and I will try to find them and post them here so you can get the full effect of my first ever lingerie show.
-COSPLAY, BEFORE I KNEW WHAT THAT WAS.
I have always like dressing up, and Botchie (that’s what we call her, btw) always encouraged that. I remember her sewing me Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Dorothy (Wizard of Oz) costumes, amongst many others. She even made me a bendable “lead pipe” once so I could play Wonder Woman and show off my super strength. I basically lived in costumes instead of clothes when I was little (not unlike now ;)), and that’s all thanks to her encouraging my creativity.
-ONE LAST ONE: GETTING MY HEAD STUCK IN A GIANT HAMBURGER.
There are sooooooooo many more beautiful memories I could mention of her (from her delicious southern cooking to all the joyous Christmas, Thanksgivings, and fiercely competitive Easter egg hunts we had at her house every year), but I know I can’t keep blathering on here forever, so my last official one for now is the time she took me to the McDonald’s playground and I got my big fat head stuck inside a giant Mayor McCheese, like a dumbass.
I am literally starting to feel better already. It’s crazy how cathartic writing stuff out can be sometimes. For the first time since Saturday I’m actually smiling thinking about her instead of crying, and I am sincerely grateful for every bit of the silly great wonderful crazy times we had together.
Gratitude: It’s a beautiful thing.
I leave you with this note containing instructions Botchie left in her official papers before she died, just so you can get a small taste of her no-nonsense sassiness. She added this in June of this year, primarily because she wanted to make sure the local newspaper didn’t list her age anywhere. It’s very her, and I’m grateful to have it.
Here’s what I want if I don’t make it –
Be sure and take my books back to the library.
Also turn in both oxygen machines.
I don’t really want to go and guess I prefer burning to being underground. Forget the embalming — they chop you all up. I’m concerned about this d—– pacemaker/defibrillator. I didn’t need it. Don’t know how they stop it and I don’t want to be flopping all over the place.
The notice should read like this. NOTHING ELSE!!!!!
Marjorie Hatfield Shook –wife (or widow) of Charles Davis Shook died (date and place)
She is survived by her husband and 3 daughters — arrangements will be announced later.
Watch for any bills — the electric bill is drafted.
Cancel my AARP supplement — not Chuck’s — Also my Rx with AARP
That’s my Botchie, alright…I love her so much.
Thanks to anyone who cares enough to read all this. I promise I’ll get back to discussing less intense things (like the Breaking Bad finale, for example ;)) once I’m a little more emotionally healed up.
Love you guys.
Ps- Since I am discussing gratitude, I wanted to quickly make mention of something amazing I mentioned on Tumblr before this sad stuff happened. Long story short, I get to do this next month:
(Sorry…Apparently the “perks” change week to week and right now is Green Lantern/Green Arrow, but you can get the gist below. :))
Score a chance for a rare meet-and-greet with Lynda Carter, the actress who played Wonder Woman on TV. We’ll fly you and a friend to NYC on October 25, 2013 to join Lynda backstage at her Jazz at Lincoln Center performance at the Alien Room. Includes accommodations for two nights. Also included: a tour of the DC Entertainment offices, WW Litho, SM/WW T-shirt, Essential WW Encyclopedia, and Noir Jewelry Dome Ring & Cuff Bracelet. AVAILABLE INTERNATIONALLY. (Tax-deductible amount: $4,822.00)
Estimated delivery: October 2013
I’m very grateful, though, that I get this opportunity, and that I get to help other people in the process. Here’s where the proceeds go, in case anybody else wants to/is able to donate, too.