Gratitude.
Gratitude.

thanks a lot bear

 

Forgive me in advance, as this probably isn’t going to be the kind of post the majority of porn lovers and comic geeks want to see when they visit my page. However, all I’ve been doing for the past day or so is sitting alone in the dark avoiding everyone and everything, which probably isn’t super healthy of me. All I can do is sit here and cry and be angry at the world for not pausing itself when I’m hurting so much, but since that isn’t likely to happen any time soon, I figured posting here might be a good way to try to start feeling semi-normal again.

I try to be a very grateful person. I do my best to look at even the worst things that happen and find a way to be thankful for them in some way, even if all I can come up with is that I managed to get though something so trying…At the very least, you generally come away from whatever obstacles you face as a stronger person, which is always something to be grateful for, despite the pain you felt while you were actually going through it.

Right now I am grieving over the death of my grandmother. :( I realize that’s something people deal with all the time, so I feel severely selfish for letting it hit me so hard. But I’m finding it impossible not to…She was truly like a mother to me; she influenced my life so much. She was pretty old (I think she would’ve been 90 in October, but she NEVER let anyone know her real age, so I can’t be sure :)), and in poor health, so I can’t say her passing was unexpected. I thought I would be ready to handle the news when I got it, but I wasn’t. At all. She died Saturday and I really haven’t stopped crying since. All I can think of is how I’ll never get to hear her voice again (I can hear it so clearly in my head right now…I pray I never lose that), and how I’ll never get to give her any more hugs, or tell her how much I love and miss the crap out of her. I feel awful for living in LA when I could’ve been more close to her and seen her much more often. Now I will never see her again and that hurts so much… :( :( :(

This is one of the last pics taken of her with my grandfather. They just celebrated their 65th anniversary a few weeks ago, and never spent a day apart in all that time. They were beautiful togther.

botchie

Looking at that pic is heart-wrenching right now, but here’s where the gratitude part comes into play…Instead of continuing to beat myself up over things I could’ve done differently, or hating the universe for taking away someone so beautiful and special to me, I am trying my best to be grateful that I did get to have so much time with her. That’s the most any of us can hope for while we’re here, I suppose.

I could never do justice to how utterly amazing and unique this woman was, but I’d like to at least share a few of the happy memories I’m grateful to have had with her. (Sorry…There will be bewbs a’plenty and other such goofiness in my next post, I’m sure. ;))

-THE COLLETON COUNTY LIBRARY.

She loved books and passed that trait along to me. We went to pick out books at this small local library with her every time I went to visit (as many as I wanted!! Craziness!! ;)), and she always made it always seem like the most exciting thing in the world. We especially liked to check out mysteries and ghost stories, which I loved immensely during the day, but was scared as heck of at night!! I often had problems sleeping at her house because of that. (Though my grandpa’s stuffed deer heads hanging on the walls probably didn’t help that cause, either. ;))

-WILLIE NELSON.

For some reason she LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED her some Willie Nelson. He has long hair (she loathed that on men) and smokes the good stuff (all drugs and alcohol were a big no-no), but for some reason she loved “My Willie” (as she lovingly called him). I’m listening to “To All the Girls I’ve loved Before” right now because I can picture her singing along with and swooning over him as she played it over and over again. Thanks for making her so happy with your music, Mr.  Nelson. :)

-MY FIRST “BLAH”.

(Translation for the uninitiated: My first bra. :)) When I was about two my grandma changed in front of me and I thought her “blah” was so beautiful  I begged her to get me one. Of course I didn’t understand what they were for then, so when she made me my own special one I thought it was just to be extra fancy, not because bras don’t usually come in toddler sizes (not the pretty, grown-up looking ones, anyway :)). I was sooo ecstatic when she gave it to me, but the glamourous look I desired wasn’t yet complete, so I also talked her into making me some falsies, too. (I wasn’t sure why I needed them; just that my blah didn’t look right ;)), and letting me have a pair of her old high heels (which were at least 3x’s bigger than my foot was). Well, with all three elements combined I just felt like I was the belle of the ball, and strutted around with my hand posed “seductively” on the back of my head and exaggeratedly swishing my hips from side to side when I walked. Somewhere there are pictures of this, and I will try to find them and post them here so you can get the full effect of my first ever lingerie show. ;)

-COSPLAY, BEFORE I KNEW WHAT THAT WAS.

I have always like dressing up, and Botchie (that’s what we call her, btw) always encouraged that. I remember her sewing me Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Dorothy (Wizard of Oz) costumes, amongst many others. She even made me a bendable “lead pipe” once so I could play Wonder Woman and show off my super strength. I basically lived in costumes instead of clothes when I was little (not unlike now ;)), and that’s all thanks to her encouraging my creativity.

 

-ONE LAST ONE: GETTING MY HEAD STUCK IN A GIANT HAMBURGER. :(

There are sooooooooo many more beautiful memories I could mention of her (from her delicious southern cooking to all the joyous Christmas, Thanksgivings, and fiercely competitive Easter egg hunts we had at her house every year), but I know I can’t keep blathering on here forever, so my last official one for now is the time she took me to the McDonald’s playground and I got my big fat head stuck inside a giant Mayor McCheese, like a dumbass. :)

McDonaldLandia 5
I stuck my head though the bars and couldn’t get out, and I was up there crying for hours while employees and other McD’s patrons all struggled to rescue me (while trying not to laugh at the ridiculous little girl bawling hysterically because she was stuck in a hamburger). I eventually got out of it (spoiler alert!! ;)), but my grandma managed to take plenty pics of it all for posterity, and never let anyone forget about it. Every time we went by the McDonald’s near her house she’d say to everyone, “And that’s where Kasey got her head stuck in a hambuger!”. Thanks for never letting me forget that proud moment, Botchie. ;) xoxo

I am literally starting to feel better already. It’s crazy how cathartic writing stuff out can be sometimes. For the first time since Saturday I’m actually smiling thinking about her instead of crying, and I am sincerely grateful for every bit of the silly great wonderful crazy times we had together.

Gratitude: It’s a beautiful thing. :)

I leave you with this note containing instructions Botchie left in her official papers before she died, just so you can get a small taste of her no-nonsense sassiness. :) She added this in June of this year, primarily because she wanted to make sure the local newspaper didn’t list her age anywhere. It’s very her, and I’m grateful to have it. :)

Here’s what I want if I don’t make it –

 

Be sure and take my books back to the library.

Also turn in both oxygen machines.

I don’t really want to go and guess I prefer burning to being underground.  Forget the embalming — they chop you all up. I’m concerned about this d—– pacemaker/defibrillator.  I didn’t need it.  Don’t know how they stop it and I don’t want to be flopping all over the place.

The notice should read  like this.  NOTHING ELSE!!!!!

Marjorie Hatfield Shook –wife (or widow) of Charles Davis Shook died (date and place)

She is survived by her husband and 3 daughters — arrangements will be announced later.

Watch for any bills — the electric bill is drafted.

Cancel my AARP supplement — not Chuck’s — Also my Rx with AARP

That’s my Botchie, alright…I love her so much. :)

Thanks to anyone who cares enough to read all this. I promise I’ll get back to discussing less intense things (like the Breaking Bad finale, for example ;)) once I’m a little more emotionally healed up.

Love you guys.

Hugs.

cbh

 

Ps- Since I am discussing gratitude, I wanted to quickly make mention of something amazing I mentioned on Tumblr before this sad stuff happened. Long story short, I get to do this next month:

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/dc-entertainment-we-can-be-heroes-justice-league-edition 

(Sorry…Apparently the “perks” change week to week and right now is Green Lantern/Green Arrow, but you can get the gist below. :))

Lynda_Carter_perk (1)

Score a chance for a rare meet-and-greet with Lynda Carter, the actress who played Wonder Woman on TV. We’ll fly you and a friend to NYC on October 25, 2013 to join Lynda backstage at her Jazz at Lincoln Center performance at the Alien Room. Includes accommodations for two nights. Also included: a tour of the DC Entertainment offices, WW Litho, SM/WW T-shirt, Essential WW Encyclopedia, and Noir Jewelry Dome Ring & Cuff Bracelet. AVAILABLE INTERNATIONALLY. (Tax-deductible amount: $4,822.00)

Estimated delivery: October 2013

It feels wrong to be happy about it right now, but I know my grandma would have wanted to me to go and have an amazing time. Hopefully by the time it rolls around I’ll be able to do that, though of course it would have meant even more if I could’ve shared my happy WW moment with her. :)

I’m very grateful, though, that I get this opportunity, and that I get to help other people in the process. Here’s where the proceeds go, in case anybody else wants to/is able to donate, too. :)

heroes
Much more on this later, I’m sure, but for now I just wanted to express how grateful I am that this is even a thing that’s possible. It’s pretty unbelievable, and truly a dorky Wonder Woman/DC fangirl’s dream come true. :) xoxoxo
Posted by Kasey 23 Comments
  • Adam_LeafFan

    Kasey,
    You have my deepest condolences! Having lost 3 of my 4 grandparents, I’ve felt the pain and grief you’re experiencing now. All I can say is hold on tightly to the love you have for your grandmother, and cherish the memories you have of her! Those will never leave you and no one can take those away from you. Everything your grandmother taught you and meant to you will live on in you. A small consolation, I know but in that sense your grandmother will always be with you! My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time of need! Sending love and strength your way.
    Adam

  • http://www.flushgorden.co.uk/ Flush Gorden

    See that’s the things to remember. The fun and funny things. The peculiar moments that stick in your head forever. I remember when my Gran died we were all in her house and I was sitting there in this bright orange swivel chair, the sort of chair that a blind person could sit in and the first thing they’re say was “I now know what the colour orange is” yet it seemed to render me invisible to the offer of teas and coffees, it was one of those weird little moments that is funny at the time and sets the mood of the day. You get hit by the bad and then something silly happens and you’re all having a laugh again and you keep going up and down like this till it dark moments don’t seem to matter anymore.

    I also came away from the wake with a spanked bottom, a wife and a lesbian girlfriend so peculiar things can happen.

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    LOL You’ll have to tell me the story behind that later.

    Thanks for making me smile. You’re the best. :) xoxoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Holy moly that was awesome!! Thanks so much for sending it!! :)

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    That was really beautiful, thank you.

    And I’m very sorry you had to experience the same thing, too. :( xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Aw. That’s really nice of you. Thank you very much! (And she was indeed an awesome woman! :)

    I’m sorry that you had to go through the same thing, too. It’s hard to imagine that it’s ever going to feel ok to go about the normal business of living in a Botchie-less world, but I guess that if so many others have been able to move on when their loved ones have passed, I’ll eventually get to that point, too. I just won’t expect the pain to be less sharp anytime soon… :(

    Thanks again for the very sweet comment. Big hugs to you. :) xoxo

  • illmatic704

    Sorry for your loss. Things will get better just remember the good times you had with her. Sending out a prayer for you.

  • Wexell Poindexter

    My deepest condolences to you and your family. What a great woman, mentor and friend! I can tell that her impact was heavy for everyone that she graced with her presence.

  • Jose

    Well
    Kasey this paints the picture of your grandmother that I was
    thinking of when I read and replied to you on tumblr. You paint such a
    vivid picture of such an amazing and wonderful woman, reading this blog
    post (which by the way you should never ever apologize for sharing your
    feelings of lose and grief, like you said it’s cathartic) I can see why you are the cool person
    that you are and who know that you had your own real life Wonder Woman. let me say that her spirit and joy for life shines bright in you and now I know where you got it from. Don’t knock Willie, man is an American Original and Legend!! one of his best Always On My Mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7f189Z0v0Y (please forgive me up front if this make you sad it’s not my intention). She’s the one I need to thank for you love of cosplay and scary books that is awesome. Well what can I say your first blah, just picturing you walking around like that warms my heart and brings a smile to my face…how cute. Okay enough of this mushy stuff now to the crux of the matter, so
    you’re the reason why I don’t see any Hambugler jail cell anymore! Kids
    like you are the reason why there are so many warning labels on
    toys today….well you and maybe me but I digress, sticking your head through bars what’s wrong with you ;p

    Seriously I’m sorry for you and your families lose, I know you don’t feel it now but time will make it better I promise.

    Lots of Love, Big Hug, good vibes and many many well wishes your way!! xoxoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    This is perfect and seriously made me LOL. Thank you for that. :)

    And trust me, I wasn’t knocking ol’ Willie one bit…He’s just the polar opposite of what she usually likes, so it was odd yet amusing that she had such a huge crush on him! I bought a vinyl single of his today in her honor. :)

    I wish I could write more right now but her memorial service was today and I’m still pretty emotionally drained from that (though doing much better than when I originally posted this :). Thank you so much for always being so incredibly sweet, though…And sorry about that whole McD’s thing. Totally my bad!! ;) xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Aw. Thanks, and good to hear from you! :)

    I will definitely post about the WW thing, don’t you worry about that! ;)

    Unfortunately my Twitter account is no more, but you can email me at dianaprincexxx@gmail.com or message me on Tumblr if you like…Lots of love and hugs back at ya!! :) xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Aw. Thank you, and I’m sorry for your loss as well. I’m glad you still have such happy memories of her, though, and some awesome cooking skills to thank her for, too. ;) Mine tried her best to get me into cooking, but I pretty much suck at it so she gave up on that idea long ago. She told me to stay out of the kitchen unless I was microwaving, and sent me many a microwave cookbook bc she figured that was the best I was gonna do. ;)

    I could use some of your delicious donuts right about now, thank you… :P xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    That is very, very true. Thank you. :) xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Thank you, sweetie…Sorry you had to go through this too. :( Big hugs. xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Thank you very much.

    I am starting to get a little better at that. There were so many great times with her to remember. I really am grateful she was around to have such a positive impact on my life (and the world in general :) as long as she was. :) xo

  • Jose

    I trust you and trust me when I say that most of the time when I write you something that seems serious it’s probably sarcastic, I know what you meant about Willie and that is so cool that you got a vinyl :). Don’t worry about McD’s I get it we kid do crazy shit and I never fit in any of those fun house type things at McD’s anyways, I’m probably also to blame for the healthy food they are trying to sell now #FatKid ;).

    I know today has been rough but I hope you start felling better soon.
    xoxoxo

  • DefconDan

    Not that the posts of a bunch of strangers is gonna be better than the support of your friends and family, I am sorry for your loss and I can only hope that in time you will feel better. You honor her memory with your post and if you think about it, she’ll life forever not only in your heart and memories, but on this crazy eternal keeper of all things, the Internet. I will say its kind of cool that we live in an age where you can vent/share/ponder into the void and sometimes get something back, hopefully positive… unless its YouTube comments *shudder*

    Again my condolences on your loss.

    PS Meeting Lydia Carter… talk about awesome. Try to enjoy it and share the details of it for those of us *ahem* jealous folks.

  • Sliver64

    Hope you are getting well Diana, everything within its time due, and just letting you know that this post of your sure will help a lot of people passing through a moment like that. And also thanks for reminding me about that Mcdonald’s game, all the memories of that playground are just streaming in my head.

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Aw, thanks, I hope so. :)

    And you are most welcome…Here’s another McD’s blast from the past for ya for leaving such a sweet comment. (I sooo wish they still had all this stuff…I weep for kids today that have to grow up without it!! ;) xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    “if you think about it, she’ll life forever not only in your heart and memories, but on this crazy eternal keeper of all things, the Internet.”

    It’s so true!! That hadn’t really occurred to me until I started writing about her here, but it’s bizarre and amazing that this will just be out there indefinitely for anyone to see. I love that, though. I wish the whole world could have gotten to know her, but since that can’t be, it’s somehow very comforting that her image and love of Willie Nelson can live on through anyone who happens to run across this online. :)

    Thank you very much for the sweet comment. You’d be surprised how much the kind words of random strangers really can make a difference, especially when you’re at your lowest moments. (I try to shrug off the evil stuff, though…Hence my reluctance to read posts on YT. ;)

    I will definitely give you an in-depth report of my Lynda Carter experience. I’ll let her know Defcon Dan says hi so you can at least be there in spirit. ;) xoxo

  • DianaPrinceXXX

    Aw. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I’m sure she never really forgot about you, deep down, even if it seemed that way on the surface.

    Thanks for the thoughtful message, and for finding me here. Big ol’ virtual hugs right back at ya!! :) xoxo

  • Zancudito

    Dear Kasey! Before nothing I hope you are ok. I´d like to say a lot of things, however, my English is no so extense, but I´ll try it. My condolences for you and your family for the big lost that you have. I want to tell you that you are not alone, you are a beloved person. You are not a bad person, you are a really good one. Everyone wants to see you smiling as usually. She knew that you love her, and you loved her so much.
    I´d like to see smiling

  • Jason Ramboz

    I’m sorry to be coming to this late, but I’ve been out of the loop for a while. I’m very sorry to hear about your loss, but I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing as well as can be with it. Losing a loved one is never easy, and no matter how much time you have you’re never really prepared for the loss. The best advice I can give is something that it sounds like you’re already doing fabulously: don’t be sad that she’s gone, be glad that she lived.

    Big hugs, and know that you’re often in my thoughts. :)